


starry eyes

by bookwan



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, M/M, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, seungkwan is aged down to middle school also, this entire thing is about depression basically
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-01
Updated: 2017-06-01
Packaged: 2018-11-07 20:37:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,038
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11066664
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bookwan/pseuds/bookwan
Summary: seokmin meets an angel in his dreams.





	starry eyes

**Author's Note:**

> This is a piece written for the Sun and the Stars Soonseok Fic Fest! Because the world doesn't have enough Soonseok.....

Seokmin never dreams.

Or maybe he does, maybe he dreams of many things, maybe there's fantasies and nightmares somewhere within his own mind, but when the sunlight starts to filter into his bedroom every morning, his mind becomes blank. All he remembers is darkness and the night before, laying in bed just  _ thinking and thinking and thinking _ and he never seems to stop thinking.

Maybe he never dreams because he never falls asleep.

His older brother Seungcheol brings him a container of sleeping pills one day, when he starts to catch onto Seokmin's complete sleep deprivation. Seokmin thanks him and tosses them in the garbage the minute Seungcheol isn't looking. Another time, his younger brother Seungkwan, a chubby-cheeked middle school kid, tells him that he looks like crap, in the most polite way possible. Seokmin realizes at that point that he hasn't glanced in the mirror for a week, and he hates himself when he does.

His hair is a mess and his grades quickly follow. He covers the bags under his eyes with makeup and no one seems to care for a while, and yet still his choir teacher questions him about it, telling him that as the lead singer he needs to keep up his responsibilities, he needs to carry the group on his shoulders; that's what it feels like to him, anyway.

And he tries, he really does - he tries harder than he's ever tried to make himself better. He studies until morning comes and he sings until his voice is gone and still he fails his tests, still he hits all the wrong notes. Eventually, he decides that it just might not ever get better.

Seungcheol tries to take him to a doctor more than once. Seokmin's fine, that's what he tells his brother, he's just fine. He tends to tell himself that so often that he's no longer sure what the truth really is. Seungcheol doesn't believe him, it's obvious by the look in his eyes, but no act of force can drag him into Seungcheol's shitty little car off to a doctor.

At some point Seungcheol hits his breaking point and lies to Seokmin's face. They hop in a car to get groceries and Seokmin finds himself sitting in an office, Seungcheol beside him, as he explains his problems to a doctor. He is prescribed strong sleeping pills, which Seungcheol keeps locked in a cabinet in case Seokmin ever tries to dump them out. 

The night after that is the first time he's slept in weeks. Or maybe less, he figures, because he's not sure if someone can even live that long without sleep. He almost researches it on the internet, but figures that it would be better not to know. 

But tonight, when he sleeps, he dreams for the first time in what feels like forever. He sits in an unfamiliar field surrounded by purple flowers, blue skies with wispy clouds drifting overhead, and it's then that he realizes that this is no reality. The only time it stops raining back at home is when it begins to snow. Flowers drown before they get a chance to live. The skies are always grey and dark. Some days he convinces himself that the sun doesn't really exist - they've already gone without it for so long, haven't they?

But there's another boy in the field of flowers,a young man with vivid features, too vivid for a dream. His friends always talk about how unclear their dreams are; this boy is all sharp edges and exact features. His eyes glitter with stardust, and as Seokmin peers further into the distance they make eye contact. Neither of them move a muscle. 

Seokmin's not sure how long the two must have stared into each others' eyes, because he wakes up with a start at five in the morning, the image of the young man stuck in his brain. Not to mention, he feels fucking  _ terrible. _ Is this sleep really what so many people crave?

He nearly falls asleep in class again seven times that day. It makes no sense to him - he got a full eight hours of sleep, and according to Seungcheol that's exactly what a teenager needs to properly function. Seokmin finds himself unable to function at all, and when he comes home and complains to Seungcheol he gets an eye roll and a mutter of 'just wait.'

And he does wait. He waits until the next night, when he falls asleep again and dreams of the man in the field, and this time the colours are more vibrant, more beautiful. This time he sees the man more clearly, a button-up black dress shirt and ripped jeans. His hair is black and frenzied, and his eyes show the same wildness. Tonight he smiles at Seokmin and waves, but never moves any closer. Seokmin doesn't wave back.

The next day he visits the grave of his parents. He hasn't seen it in months, and when he does finally return, his flowers are wilted. Seungcheol's new ones are propped up nicely against it though, fresh and beautiful, all colours of tulips. Seokmin steals a purple tulip, because it reminds him of the fields from his dreams, and of the man he doesn't know. He's beginning to like dreams now. They were a perfect escape from reality. What worries could you have when you stand in a field of flowers and feel the cool breeze blowing on your face?

Reality though, he's beginning to like much, much less. Reality is harsh and biting and the colours are dimmed and everything that surrounds him is duller than dreams. Seokmin swears that the world is in black and white now, so much unlike the purples of the field and the golden flecks of stars in the flower boy's eyes. School becomes more tiresome, home becomes boring, and places where he once saw beauty were now empty and lifeless. 

The fifth night is the first time that he tries to move through the field, careful not to kill the flowers that he nearly treads upon. But every step he takes seems to bring him farther away from the glitter-eyed boy, and though he calls out, no words ever leave his mouth. He wakes up the next morning with a single word on his tongue. 

(After a bit of research he discovers that 'Hoshi' means star in Japanese.)

One day after a full-blown argument with Seungcheol, Seokmin drives off and doesn't realize where he is going until he stands in front of the grave of his parents once more, staring at the tulips, which, since the last he saw them, have started to fade and wilt. Meanwhile, his own tulip, the purple one, sits at home in a glass vase kept perfectly healthy. He makes sure to take good care of it - it's his only connection to the dreams that plague him every night.

(He finds himself crying soon after, hugging the grave, murmuring words that even he can't understand. He misses them so much.)

He spends a lot of time at that same grave, watching a few people pass by him, but nobody dares question him. He wonders, as he does often, tears rolling down his face, if this is really worth it. His parents are dead, his life is black and white. Seungcheol is too tempered and filled with fire, so much that sometimes it scares Seokmin to see the look in his eyes. Seungkwan is too young, too innocent and pure and naive. He's encountered death far earlier than he should have, and it's slowly ruining him. Seokmin can see it. He knows that his little brother is falling apart and he can't do anything anyways, there's no way to help him, to help anyone.

He hurts himself that night, but he doesn't drag the blade down deep enough. 

(He knows it's only because of the purple flowers and the boy filled with stars who resides within them.)

When he finds himself back in that field, he's crying, knelt in the flowers, and the starry-eyed boy rubs his back, and comforts him, and sings a sweet lullaby until he drifts back into reality. Seokmin wishes he could stay there forever, and when he finds himself back under the heat of his blankets, he wants to cry. He doesn't let himself.

When he comes back home after school that day, Seungkwan is sobbing at the table and Seungcheol comforts him, softly whispering words that Seokmin can't catch. When Seokmin sets his bag across from them Seungcheol finally looks up, and there's that fire in his eyes again, a contrast to Seungkwan's tears. Seokmin doesn't speak to either of them that day.

The next dream is the first time that his starboy speaks. His voice is soft and calming, rhythmic and beautiful. "Are you okay?" he asks when Seokmin blinks his eyes open into the familiar field. Seokmin stares at him for a moment at that, jaw agape.

"Are you Hoshi?" he asks eventually, staring up into his eyes and there  _ is _ stars, he realizes, blinking lights in dark nothingness, and that alone comforts him. The boy nods at that and Seokmin can't help but feel a strange satisfaction in him - he can finally name his starboy. 

That night Hoshi runs his hands over the fresh cuts on Seokmin's arms and kisses them. Seokmin doesn't feel any pain. At some point he asks, "why?" and Hoshi smiles lightly, shakes his head a bit, staring down at the flowers. He doesn't answer.

He asks more questions that night too, most of which he gets no answer to. When he asks if Hoshi is an angel, Hoshi nods, and Seokmin contemplates this for a few seconds before asking another question, "why are you always in my dreams?"

Hoshi runs a hand gently through Seokmin's hair and lets out a long sigh. "Angels watch over troubled people," he says, and gently touches the cuts on Seokmin's arms once again. When his hands release Seokmin finds himself once again in his messy room, an alarm clock blaring.

"It looks like you're sleeping well now," Seungcheol says over dinner, which is just microwaved leftovers of takeout from last night. Seungkwan isn't there. Seungcheol says that he just needed to rest a bit, though Seokmin's certain it's not that simple. Seokmin only nods, shoveling food into his mouth. They haven't properly spoken in weeks. Seokmin's not sure he's ready to.

Every time he falls asleep Hoshi is there, watching, waiting for him. Now, sometimes they'll take walks through the long field, and though Seokmin sees in the distance power lines and roads, they never seem to grow closer. Hoshi lets Seokmin rant about his day, his week, everything bad that's happened to him, even if he's already told the story, and Hoshi never seems to grow tired of it. Whenever Seokmin tries to flip the conversation onto him, he turns it back with ease. Eventually Seokmin learns that he should just talk about himself instead; Hoshi won't break any time soon.

"Why me?" he asks one time, as they sit in the field, and though it's a dream he can smell tangerine in the air. Hoshi blinks at him a couple of times, confused.

"Haven't you already asked me that?" he says, tilting his head at Seokmin. Seokmin smiles softly.

"Yeah, but Hoshi, there's millions of others out there with problems like mine.  _ Worse _ than mine. Why did you pick me?" When Hoshi doesn't answer, something dawns on Seokmin, something that fills his stomach with dread but he's so curious that he cannot resist asking.

" _ Did _ you pick me?"

It takes a long, painful moment, but Hoshi eventually shakes his head. It doesn't quite sink in for a moment, but when it does, Seokmin feels a weird sensation in his stomach, like butterflies but more like a nightmare version. 

"So you didn't pick me. You were... assigned to me." Seokmin blinks back his tears; he's learned better than to cry by now. "I'm not actually important to you, am I?" His voice trembles at the last few words, and for the first time Seokmin sees true, real emotion in Hoshi's star-filled eyes.

"Seokmin," he says, and his voice is gravely serious, "I need you to understand something. I was... I was assigned to you, yes, but that doesn't make you any less close to my heart. Seokmin, I didn't choose you, but... I love you. A lot. Don't you understand?" Hoshi's lip trembles, but Seokmin can't bear to look.

(When he wakes up in the morning, his cheeks are streaked with tears.)

He doesn't take his medicine that night. Or the next. Instead, he lies awake in bed, wondering  _ why, why does no one ever choose me? _

Seungcheol and Seungkwan didn't choose him as a brother. He's sure they would far rather pick someone else, if they had the chance. His parents didn't pick him either, and now his angel, his starboy, didn't pick him either. The cuts across his arms are beginning to heal now, but he wonders many times during these nights if he should ever let them heal.

(In the end he does let them heal because he can't be bothered to get out of his bed.)

When he finally does return, longing for the vibrant violets of the flowers, he finds Hoshi crying, and for one split second he wonders how much Hoshi loves him. He goes over to comfort him, the same way Hoshi used to do for him, and when everything seems better he realizes that he could never let go of his star, even if his star let go of him.

Hoshi is sharp edges and starry eyes, raven hair and a soft, lulling voice. He is beauty and happiness and emotion, so much emotion packed into one being. He's perfect - just as any angel should be.

That night they kiss each other, under the beating sun which never seems to disappear, and Seokmin can't help but wonder, as he tastes tangerine on Hoshi's lips, how he ever lived without this bliss.

Seungcheol and Seokmin fight again the next day, this time about Seungkwan, who has missed two weeks of school now because his mental health is beginning to fail. Seokmin doesn't remember how the fight started, the memories are hazy, but it gets bad fast. Seungcheol lashes out, punching Seokmin straight in the face and making him fall to the floor. Seungcheol leaves after that (he  _ leaves, _ he has the audacity to  _ leave _ ), slamming the door behind him and not looking back.

When Seungkwan wakes up to a missing Seungcheol and Seokmin, crying in the kitchen with a black eye, it only makes it all worse.

Seungcheol doesn't return that night. Seokmin leaves a long message over the phone, telling him to come home and take care of Seungkwan. He's not sure if Seungcheol ever heard it.

That same night he breaks into the medicine cabinet, where Seungcheol keeps the sleeping pills, and he takes out one. Then two. Then three and four, and suddenly the whole container is emptied onto the kitchen table, some rolling onto the floor, but he doesn't care. Seokmin wonders, maybe if he sleeps for long enough, he might be able to stay with Hoshi forever. The idea seems sweet, blissful, perfect. They could sit in the lilac flowers forever, talking and loving each other, and he'd never have to come home to Seungcheol's fire, to Seungkwan's tears, to the grave of his parents where he can imagine them together, happy at last.

(He wants to know that happiness, too.)

He's not sure how many he takes, and he doesn't feel the impact when he collapses back on the floor of the kitchen. All he knows is that when he awakens in the field to Hoshi shaking him, screaming and crying, that this  _ doesn't feel right. _

"What did you do?" Hoshi cries out, sobbing into Seokmin's shoulder. "What did you do, Seokmin?"

"I just wanted to sleep," Seokmin mumbles, but the words don't sound right on his tongue.

"You can't stay here! You can't stay here..." Hoshi's voice turns into heaving sobs and Seokmin lets the boy cry into his shoulder, staring blankly at the fields. They don't seem as bright anymore. Now they seem dull, less vibrant, more like his reality usually does. Hoshi does, too, the stars in his eyes faded to almost unnoticeable dots, insignificant now. 

Seokmin doesn't want this.

(Why did he ever want this?)

"Seokmin, no, no, I'm going to help you, I promise I'll help," Hoshi murmurs, still sobbing. He pulls away from Seokmin and puts his hands on the other boy's face, staring him straight in the eyes with red-flushed cheeks. "I can help. I'm supposed to help..." His voice breaks, and Seokmin's heart breaks with it.

Suddenly Hoshi stands up and starts running, dashing for the roads and power lines and trees that seem a million miles away. Seokmin wants to call out, but no sound leaves his mouth. So there he sits, watching his starboy run further into the distance.

He does nothing to help.

He's not sure how long it's been. Minutes, hours, days, years. But eventually the field fades away and he wakes up to a white room, filled with people wearing more white. 

_ Why is it all white? _

There's lots of beeping and talking and there's someone crying, he hears it, and the sound hurts. He doesn't want Seungkwan to cry. Why is Seungkwan crying?

The nurses tell him, they tell him a lot of things, but their words never quite reach his brain. He just nods like he is listening and after ages of nodding Seungcheol takes him and Seungkwan out to the car, and they drive home in silence, save for Seungkwan's occasional sniffles.

When he opens the door to his room, he does a double take.

Before him, sitting at the bedside, is a boy, with sharp edges and raven-coloured hair. His eyes glitter with stardust and when he sees Seokmin he smiles brightly. Seokmin barrels right into the boy, tackling him onto the bed and enveloping him in a tight hug. 

He's finally found his starboy.


End file.
